As Mary laid the child in the manger, she and Joseph and the three filthy shepherds who gathered there noted that this precious child, whom not only Joseph accepted as his own but that God above had blessed and took as his own Son. For God had knowledge that the lineage of the handsome man of northern climes would bestow upon this son an attraction both to women and to men that would create great awe, love and lust for all those who would come under his spell and would far exceed that from any union of the earthlings that were of Mary’s acquaintance.
And the child increased in wisdom and stature, and he did draw crowds who wondered at his golden hair, his eyes the shade of the Galilean sky, his amazing wisdom and his astounding large bulge, scarcely concealed beneath even the most generously full garments.
Now ahead to 18 years of age.
Though Jesus was at birth named Burford, as the town women came to know of the magnificent creative organ of this young man who at 18 stood taller than all the men of his tribe and whose length did equal that of his upper leg, they did utter, “Jesus Christ!” and that name became his name.
A woman of independent wealth did lust upon this beautiful lad and she did take him into her home and did suck upon his manhood and did pull him deep into her boiling fur pie.
Jesus’s heavenly father seeing this debasement of his beloved Son did note that this boy had such power of sensual feelings over others that he did visit the Son and commanded that he travel the far reaches of the world for 18 years fully immersing himself in all measures of hedonistic pleasures for which he was admirably outfitted to indulge. He did know that these practices would empower his Son with sudden uncontrollable and irresistible affection and love from all those he would meet. The Father didst also know that what which endear him to all who would meet him and fall under his spell would enrage those in high places like the Pharissees, Sadducees and Tennessee’s who would wish to place him in a very discomfiting posture on a cross.
So lo, the Father did want his Son to have a full and satisfying life before his ministry would lead to his death and therefore he instructed his gloriously beautiful Son not to speak a word of lineage and blessing from on high till his 30th year and till that time enjoy the fruits of his great procreative gifts. So for 18 years Jesus traveled with those he met on the road going both east and south from his home, staying with women who admired both his wisdom and the joyous appendage that he swung languorously as he walked the dusty roads.
Now the rest sadly is what happens when a man who is sublimely beautiful and far exceeds that of all those around him and has great influence among those who admire greatness but despised by those of meager gifts both of the mind and the body of which those in high places were usually blessed. Jesus returned to the Land of Galilee after sowing seeds in many warm and soft and grasping places. He pleased the bodies not only of all women who were so moved to let him into their birth chambers but also many men who always tendered him 20 pieces of silver for the pleasure of suckling his great instrument of pleasure. The 20 pieces were an omen to Jesus that he knew would be his undoing some day.
Therefore this God-blessed man of a birth father of indescribable physical and wisdom gift of such incredible rarity among his countrymen would permit access of obedience to those who fell under his spell but gave birth to unrivaled hate from others. Jesus of great height, finely chiseled face, flaxen hair, green eyes, very pale even during his fatal last years did use his very large manhood every day and in every way possible to keep his mind clear and his primal energies at a peak. This is the more realistic version of the Christmas story that fits the man of uncommon wisdom and charm and sex appeal with activities more accurately fitting a man of such gifts.